Musings of a Typical Black Girl

Houston we have a problem. There’s obviously a disconnect. Plan= go to college> get a great job> meet and marry a great mate> buy a great home> have amazing kids> enjoy retirement> rinse, lather, repeat. But somewhere, between the time I was born (nineteen eighty [cough]) and now, we fell off the track. So what changed? Well there are two possibilities. Either the American dream changed or the Americans themselves changed. Or maybe a little bit of both. Public subsidization of the American dream has waned, or at least, it would seem that way. We chose the politicians who are pulling back state funds of public institutions. In the past, states would fund larger portions of students education, as it seemed that having an educated society was a public good. As a result, students have to pay for a much larger portion of their own educations. Which for many means taking out costly loans, which will take years, and sometimes, decades, to repay. In turn, their dreams may have to be put on hold. So yes, in theory, the Americans, or rather, their support of education has changed. 

On the other hand, the ‘American dream’ that we cling so tightly to seems to have shifted as well. Baby Boomers probably (I’m imagining here, go with me) dreamed of getting a good factory job which they would keep for 30 years, then living off their pension, driving a Ford around until they could afford a Cadillac in their later years. People now want a BMW 2 years out of college. They (and by they I mean we) spend thousands on clothes and cosmetic enhancements to attract the mate they want. Then they spend an average of 20K on the wedding of their dreams. They want to take expensive trips and to live in condos with waterfront views, open concept kitchens, and neat neighbors. But the kitchens aren’t used much cuz they go out to eat regularly. They want it all. And whats more, they feel they DESERVE it. Wait what? Is this what your parents hoped for when they said they wanted their kids to have more?  More…stuff??

Since we can’t have it all, at least not right away, we find ourselves feeling frustrated and unaccomplished. I am of the opinion that you can have everything and be perfectly content. Everything, that is, that you need. Its not about settling but about finding satisfaction in what is already there. There will always be a new, shinier, better toy. Its all just a ploy to keep you broke and unhappy. Focus on building, maintaining, and repairing your relationships. Focus on serving others and being the best version of you that you can be. Focus on paying your debts instead of acquiring more. Focus on truly living. As far as I’m concerned, the American dream is truly achievable. It just requires a shift in thinking. 

Disclaimer 1: There are NO perfect churches. I realize that. We are all striving to become the perfect bride but as long as the church is composed of humans on this side of glory, none will get it 100% right. Disclaimer 2: This is in no way an attack on any church in particular, but is intended to raise questions about a topic close to my heart. 

Are evangelical churches ill-equipped for single adults? Now obviously, this doesn’t apply to all churches. The churches I attended before now were full of single people and it was no big deal. On a related note, they were also full of black people, specifically black women, who are the most unmarried group of people in this country, along with Asian men.  Now, however, I am something of an anomaly. True enough, leadership needs to work with the majority of people, and the majority of adults in this church are married. But what about the rest of us? Are we to be treated as leftovers, or marginalized because our circumstances are different? Some people choose to remain single, while others are single by force (ex: widows). If your sole definition for people (specifically women) is in the context of parenting and marriage, where does that leave those who are not in those roles?

I believe a focus on the family is good and necessary. I also understand that our culture is moving toward singleness as a norm. If we want and expect new believers to come to our churches and to feel welcome, we should have an atmosphere that says “you are good and okay by yourself, and God has work for you whatever place you are in”. If a woman never gets married or never has children, is she made to feel inadequate, or a failure? Is she left on the fringes during women’s fellowship? Is she expected to serve in roles that prepare her for marriage or parenthood, even if this is not what she desires- or what God has in store for her?

I believe, I have to believe that God created me as a woman with a wide range of talents and ways in which to serve- not just in domestic areas (if at all). Sure, I hope to be married, but I have to be prepared for the possibility that it may never happen. And if this is the case, how am I to be used in ways that meet the needs of the church as well as my actual gifts? 

Reply!! 

-@whimsikal